I passed out today.
I went to the lab to get all my hematology labs drawn as well as my chromosome panel that was missed last time and to retest TSH to confirm my thyroid medication dosage. So all together it was something like 15 vials of blood and I was fasting for the iron test.
So after the flebotamist finished the draw I got blurry vision and tingly hands. I was sitting up in a chair so I told her I felt like I was going to pass out. I asked for an alcohol wipe to smell but she ignored me and said I could lean forward and rest my head on the arm rest. She got a paper towel wet and put it on my neck as I leaned forward.
The next think I remember is dreaming about something for a second and hearing “Kailee do you have candy or gum? Kailee – KAILEE – did you bring candy or gum?” I sorta woke up and I told her I had some gum. I felt lousy but after a few minutes the fog cleared and I was on my way. I felt like crying but told myself to hold it together.
I’ve passed out before. It’s somewhat common for me so I’ve been getting my blood drawn lying down. They’ve gone so well that I thought I’d be fine sitting up this time; apparently not. Oh well. Lesson learned.
But I felt terrible all day and couldn’t shake it and I’m realizing I need to give words to the feeling or I don’t think it will pass.
So here’s my honest truth: It was really frustrating to sign a receipt for $3,000 at checkin, then pass out in the chair, then walk away feeling weak and with nothing to show for any of it. You literally just get a paper that says “you paid $3 grand for this sucka!” I mean that’s essentially what it says. And you go home with nothing. And no one knows. And nothing else changes. And you tell yourself you’re so blessed; because you are. Blessed to have the money to make this all happen. You’re blessed to have a kind and supportive spouse. Blessed that today you’re not the one walking to the parking lot with cancer diagnosis. And then there’s the guilt and disappointment that you even find this hard.
But it is hard. We’re throwing everything we have at this and its almost been two months and collapsing today in that chair couldn’t have been more representative of how it feels when you really add this all up.
And yeah, I know I’m being dramatic to make passing out into something deeper, and it wasn’t actually a symbolic representation of anything, but the emotions it brought up in me made me face the fact that there really is so much more under the surface for us. I want so bad for this journey to not be sad and I don’t want to be a victim of this circumstance so I frame everything with a smile and turn my fears into posivity and I count my blessings and it all helps. But The emotional exhaustion involved in staying positive when you’re damn scared is like a constant simmer. And as slow as the simmer may be, you’re still losing steam and the pot still evaporates to nothing.
I know there are probably worse days coming for us and there are much worse things happening to others everyday. But I think I needed to acknowledge that this is hard. There’s more to this process than being grateful and feeling excited. Some of it sucks, and that’s ok.