This week has been fun. Also exhausting.
We traveled to Utah to spend a few days in the mountains with my family. All my siblings were there and it was a great time in a beautiful cabin plus some boating, sight seeing, and a day at Sundance.
Vacations are fun, but also a lot of work and family is amazing, but also intense. It’s weird that the siblings you did everything with grow up and seem in some way unfamiliar. It’s odd that they can surprise you but they can and it reminds me that I need to keep getting to know my parents and siblings over and over because we are all growing and changing and they’ll always be my people so I need to know them well enough to have their back.
As for inlaws, maybe it will always be clunky. I think that’s ok. A few days under the same roof reminds you quickly that these are not your people, but if you love your spouse you find ways to deal and you do your best to get to know them and see what it is about these people that made your person so great.
Anyways, we have one lab result back from last week. Thyroid results showed some improvement but the doctor doubled my original dosage. So that’s the only change at the moment. I’m hoping this gets in check and my energy improves.
My birthday is next month and I’m hoping we will be able to celebrate with possitive news from the fertility specialist. Fingers crossed.
I passed out today.
I went to the lab to get all my hematology labs drawn as well as my chromosome panel that was missed last time and to retest TSH to confirm my thyroid medication dosage. So all together it was something like 15 vials of blood and I was fasting for the iron test.
So after the flebotamist finished the draw I got blurry vision and tingly hands. I was sitting up in a chair so I told her I felt like I was going to pass out. I asked for an alcohol wipe to smell but she ignored me and said I could lean forward and rest my head on the arm rest. She got a paper towel wet and put it on my neck as I leaned forward.
The next think I remember is dreaming about something for a second and hearing “Kailee do you have candy or gum? Kailee – KAILEE – did you bring candy or gum?” I woke me up and I told her I had some gum. I felt lousy but after a few minutes the fog cleared and I was on my way. I felt like crying but told myself to hold it together.
I’ve passed out before. It’s somewhat common for me so I’ve been getting my blood drawn lying down. They’ve gone so well that I thought I’d be fine sitting up this time; apparently not. Oh well. Lesson learned.
But I felt terrible all day and couldn’t shake it and I’m realizing I need to give words to the feeling or I don’t think it will pass.
So here’s my honest truth: It was really frustrating to sign a receipt for $3,000 at checkin, then pass out in the chair, then walk away feeling weak and with nothing to show for any of it. You literally just get a paper that says “you paid $3 grand for this sucka!” I mean that’s essentially what it says. And you go home with nothing. And no one knows. And nothing else changes. And you tell yourself you’re so blessed; because you are. Blessed to have the money to make this all happen. You’re blessed to have a kind and supportive spouse. Blessed that today you’re not the one walking to the parking lot with cancer diagnosis. And then there’s the guilt and disappointment that you even find this hard.
But it is hard. We’re throwing everything we have at this and its almost been two months and collapsing today in that chair couldn’t have been more representative of how it feels when you really add this all up.
And yeah, I know I’m being dramatic to make passing out into something deeper, and it wasn’t actually a symbolic representation of anything, but the emotions it brought up in me made me face the fact that there really is so much more under the surface for us. I want so bad for this journey to not be sad and I don’t want to be a victim of this circumstance so I frame everything with a smile and turn my fears into posivity and I count my blessings and it all helps. But The emotional exhaustion involved in staying positive when you’re damn scared is like a constant simmer. And as slow as the simmer may be, you’re still losing steam and the pot still evaporates to nothing.
I know there are probably worse days coming for us and there are much worse things happening to others everyday. But I think I needed to acknowledge that this is hard. There’s more to this process than being grateful and feeling excited. Some of it sucks, and that’s ok.
This week has flown by. I decided to go ahead and get my hematology labs done instead of waiting or my new insurance to share the cost. So I’m going in tomorrow for the blood draw and I’ll get an other TSH test to confirm my dosage and they’ll also draw for the chromosome tests that were accidentally not ordered a month ago. So that all should provide quite a bit of context and hopefully some answers about the current state of my health or the cause of the previous miscarriages.
Originally, Kent and I agreed on trying to get pregnant as soon as July, so it feels a little bit discouraging that August is here and we are still just running tests with out even an estimation of a “start date.” Summer has been busy and we still have more traveling left to do so hopefully things start coming together more quickly once the craziness of summer settles down.
I’ m throwing a baby shower for a friend whose having twins so it’s been really fun to shop for all the baby stuff and think about what I’d pick for my own little person. I can’t wait to get my baby fix when her littles make their debut.
Hopefully this next round of tests will help us rule out a couple more issues and we can get closer to baby.
This week Has been swallowed up in house projects. We didn’t have any appointments and I’m waiting to hear from my new insurance regarding how much of the hematology labs they’ll cover to decide if it’s worth waiting for two months to get those drawn.
Ive been logging my food and tracking calories just to see where I’m at and I started a 25 day fitness/diet challenge today to prompt improvement. The challenge is basically just cutting out processed sugar, upping my veggie intake, and getting 30 minutes of exercise per day. I haven’t been doing the yoga videos lately so I might add those back in as well for stretching.
Pregnancy and motherhood are extremely physical and fore getting ready means a lot of tune up in my diet and exercise routines. My goal isn’t weight loss but I think I could lose 5-10 lbs if I push pretty hard over the next couple of months and I hope to be stronger and more flexible. My top priority is keeping hormones and everything in check so I need to keep a steady balance and improve things gently. That’s not my natural tendency so it’s a good thing for me to work on and learn.
We Traveled this past week but right before we left I met with the Hematologist for the fisrt time. She isn’t overly concerned with my Antithrombin test results being low because I don’t have any obvious symptoms or history of a clotting disorder. Still, she recommended about 15 additional tests so we can figure out what’s going on and address it all with my fertility specialist. I was going to get the blood work done before leaving town but my new insurance doesn’t cover anything for the first two months so when I saw the cost I opted for waiting until I could bill insurance. I may change my mind and get the labs done sooner, but that’s where I’m at now.
So besides that appointment I didn’t get any closer to Baby this week, but we traveled to see family and had a wonderful week
It’s incredible how quickly we adapt to things. My mom was telling me that when she got home from Vegas this week she was habitually walking out and around the bench at the foot of the bed when she’d get up in the night. She realized she doesn’t actually have a bench at the end of her bed, but there had been one in her hotel room all week in Vegas so she had quickly grown accustomed to avoiding it in the night. Now upon her return home she had almost unknowingly kept up the habit of adding a few paces to her route until she caught herself avoiding something that wasn’t even there.
How often is this the way life goes. We let patterns go unchecked and realize we are merely going through the motions or fearfully avoiding something that isn’t actually a threat. On the other hand, how gracefully do we rebound from injury and adapt to obstacles that are placed in our way? I think its actually inspiring to remember that we learn. We change and morph and become something new every day. We let changes create new habits and then we tear those down and replace them when they no longer serve a purpose. That’s how I’ve felt lately. Deciding to do something that hasn’t naturally fallen into place is a bit like swimming against the current. It takes intention and sacrifice so I’m changing and stretching a lot. Stretching hurts, but it hurts like a deep massage. The pain somehow brings relief and the relief gives you strength to take on more pain. And for this moment at least it’s all becoming normal. I’m settling in and getting the hang of it. I’m creating habits and finding new strength to do what I’ve never done.
We didn’t have any appointments this week, but I got scheduled with the hematologist. I’m really interested to find out what She thinks about my lab results and what she’ll suggests for dealing with the Antithrombin issue.
My Current Treatments: Prenatal Vitamin (daily), Vitamin D3 (weekly), Thyroid medication (daily)
My Thyroid med is supposed to be taken on empty stomach and the Rx says in the morning at least 30 minutes before breakfast. I was having a difficult time with it because I’m not a consistent breakfast eater and my mornings are not routine. I felt like by the time I remembered to take it I was sometimes having to delay lunch and it wasn’t getting taken at a consistent time each day. Also it doesn’t make me sick, but I wouldn’t feel great for a few hours after taking it. So I did some research and found out its commonly taken right before bed. Its absorbed best when there aren’t other meds, vitamins, or food in your stomach so now I take my prenatal and VitD with Breakfast and stop eating several hours before bed and when I get a glass of water before bed I pop the pill with an empty stomach and sleep through any of the not great feeling. This schedule has helped me be way more consistent with timing of the dose and I feel great when I wake up.
The combination of Vitamin D and Thyroid support has definitely had a positive effect on my energy. Two weeks into both treatments I’m starting to notice that I wake up with energy and I’m able to keep moving and doing things all day. I’m happy to get these areas corrected even if it’s not directly related to pregnancy.
We are one week closer and there’s lots of good things coming into focus.